She's Not a Baby Anymore

Nella loves her daddy to the moon.  He loves her to the moon and back.  Since our little girl was born, she and her daddy have had a special bond.  I know it is so strong because Ken has always been very hands-on with our children.  In fact, I remember Nella was 5 days old when I changed her first diaper.  I smile thinking about how nervous I was the first time I changed her, while Ken never winced through the first five days of changing her.  In fact, it was like there was no such thing as dirty diapers in my world until the fifth day when I found myself alone with her for the first time.  He also is a pro at giving our babies baths.  He is known to correct my technique when I seldom bathe them.  For example, there is a very specific way to rinse Nella's hair.  Usually in a rush, I have been known to get water in her eyes while Ken calmly talks her through it saying, "Who's got Nella?" to which she replies in a shaky voice, "Daddy do."  I have stollen this technique from him and it has surprisingly helped me out during bath time!  

Tonight I was thinking about our bed time routine.  For the first year of Nella's life, I put her to bed.  As a nursing mother, you are the the key to bed time.  It was when Nella stopped nursing that Ken took over that role.  And now that we have another baby, who is nursing, Ken has continued getting Nella to bed.  He does pajamas, reads her a few books and tucks her in almost every night.  Tonight was different.  We traded dishes for bed time.  I do like to sneak in and tuck her in every now and then.  Plus, Ken knows how much I despise unloading the dishwasher… a chore I save for him and that he sweetly does without complaining on a daily basis.  

Back to the story, Nella loves for me to sing to her ( I know, shocking for those who have heard me sing).  After reading her the Easter Story I sang, "Jesus Loves Me" a few times before kissing her goodnight.  I left her as we do every night tucked in under her covers in her "big girl" bed.  Then about an hour later I snuck in their room to rock and nurse Silas before laying him down.  While I am nursing Silas I hear Nella's heavy breaths as she sleeps.  Sometimes as I listen to her I thank God for each breath.  Literally saying after each breath I hear, "Thank you Lord for that breath".   After I put him in his crib I always peek at Nella and cover her back up.  I laugh trying to figure out in the dark which direction she is facing.  She is usually laying at the foot of the bed or across the bed, always uncovered.  Tonight she was in the same position as when I laid her down: Head on her pillow, blankie in arms, under the covers!  

And it hit me… she's not a baby anymore.  She went from a baby to a little girl in an instant.  She no longer looked like she did when she slept in her crib, but actually was sleeping like a little girl sleeps in her bed.  So what did I do?  Cry.  Went back to our bedroom, laid on Ken's chest and cried.  As he always does, he held me.  Then my crying was interrupted with Silas crying so I went back in their room to rock some more.   As I rocked him I began thanking God for the sweetness of babies and children.  I had told Nella when we read the Easter Story tonight, "The women saw the tomb was open and Jesus was not there.  Do you know why?  Because he said he would rise and he did!  Nella, because he is Lord!"  ( The book didn't say that, but I like to change the words of a book when I read to her) And as I thought about Him, Jesus, being Lord and faithful in his word, I thought about his faithfulness to us.  I thought about the indescribable love I have for my children.  And I was reminded that I am God's child.  And he loves me!  Me!  Really, me?  Yes!  Me!  And I wanted to cry!  This great love I have for my children, cannot even compare to the vastness of His love for me.  I wanted to fall to my knees, put my face on the ground, and weep.  Because He is so good and I am not.  I am so unworthy.  

It is amazing how God shows himself through our children.  The aches of great love we feel for them.  The pain we feel when they run into the door, misjudging a corner (true story… from this week) or when they hurt in any way.  The joy we feel when they giggle, I mean from the gut giggle.  There have been times when Ken and I cry listening to the sweetness of Nella's laugh.  And those are only a few of the many ways that God reveals himself to us and relates to us.  It is such a mystery.  So beautiful.   I am His.  I am in awe.